Love Yourself First, Then Say What You Want on a Date

So many of us are out there looking for someone to love us. We scroll, we swipe, we go out, we wait for a text. We are looking outside ourselves for the thing we need most. But the love we're searching for has to start somewhere else first: inside us.

Here's what I believe, and what I've seen over and over at my events: love yourself first. The more you love yourself, the easier it is for somebody else to love you. When you know your worth, you stop accepting less than you deserve. You stop guessing. You say what you want. And the people with that same value, that same energy, that same worth start showing up.

This article is about how to get there, and what to do right out of the gate: how to build your self-worth, how to say your intentions on a first date without scaring anyone, how to meet and greet people like a human being, and how to ask the hardest questions without making them hard.

Love starts with self-worth, not with them

When we're lonely, it's easy to think, “If the right person loved me, I'd finally feel good about myself.” It works the other way around. Your relationship with yourself is the soil every other relationship grows in.

The research backs this up:

• Your self-esteem helps your partner, too. Psychologists Ruth Yasemin Erol and Ulrich Orth at the University of Bern reviewed the research on self-esteem and relationships. Studies that looked at both people in a couple found that when one partner has higher self-esteem, the other partner tends to be happier with the relationship too.
• Kindness to yourself makes you a better partner. Dr. Kristin Neff at the University of Texas studied 104 couples. People who treated themselves with compassion were described by their partners as more affectionate, more intimate and more accepting. People who were hard on themselves were described as more controlling, detached and domineering. Her study found that self-compassion predicted these healthy behaviors better than self-esteem did. In other words, it's not about thinking you're better than anyone. It's about being kind to yourself.
• Good relationships are the good life. The Harvard Study of Adult Development has followed people for more than 80 years. Its director, Dr. Robert Waldinger, says close relationships predicted long and happy lives better than social class, IQ or even genes. It's the quality of our relationships that matters, not how many we have.

So if relationships are the good life, and how you treat yourself shapes how you treat a partner, then loving yourself isn't selfish. It's the first step to loving someone else well.

Trust yourself first

A lot of people tell me, “I just can't trust anyone anymore.” I understand. But dating isn't really about trusting other people. It's about trusting yourself. Trusting your gut when something feels off. Trusting that you'll walk away if you need to. Trusting that you're worth waiting for.

You build trust in yourself the same way you build it with anyone else: by keeping your word. Here's how to start today:

• Keep one small promise to yourself every day. A walk, a glass of water before your coffee, going to bed on time. Every promise you keep tells you, “I can count on me.”
• Talk to yourself like you'd talk to your best friend. If you wouldn't say it to her, don't say it to you.
• Stop letting a text decide your worth. A slow reply is information about them, not a grade on you.
• Know your three non-negotiables. Write them down. Maybe it's honesty, faith and kindness. When you know them, you won't talk yourself out of them on date two.
• Write down one thing you like about yourself every night. It feels silly for about a week. Then it starts to feel true.

When you trust yourself, you don't need to control the other person or chase them. You just need to be honest and pay attention. And when you show up that way, you attract people who show up that way too.

It's okay to say your intentions on a first date

Everything moves so fast today. You can match, message and meet in the same afternoon. That's exactly why it's not too much to tell someone what you're looking for. It's a kindness. It saves both of you time.

My gut says that at least 60% of people want clear communication about intentions. The numbers suggest it's even more than that. In Hinge's 2025 survey, 83% of Millennial daters and 75% of Gen Z daters said they check someone's dating intention before they even like their profile. And when someone leaves it vague and picks “figuring out my dating goals,” 59% of daters assume that person only wants a hookup. Most of the time that's not even true. Being vague doesn't make you look relaxed. It makes people guess, and they usually guess wrong.

Now, there's a difference between being clear and being intense. You don't sit down and say, “I want to be married by the end of the year.” That puts the other person on a stage and makes them feel like they have to perform to stay in the running. Instead, talk about the kind of relationship you want, not a deadline. Here are some ways to say it that open the door instead of closing it:

• “I'm looking to grow with somebody. Someone who can change through life with me.”
• “I'm dating for something serious and monogamous, but I'm in no rush. I'd rather get it right than get it fast.”
• “I'm looking for a true connection. Someone I can build with, and eventually bring our families together.”
• “Faith is a big part of my life. I'm looking for someone who believes in God and shares my morals and values.”
• “Honestly? I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now. I'm getting to know people and figuring out what I want in a partner.”

That last one is perfectly fine! Not everyone is ready for forever, and that's okay. The problem is never what you want. The problem is hiding it.

Don't send mixed signals

Here's one from my own life. Last night a very nice man asked me out. He was polite, he was friendly, and he had a ring on his left ring finger. I asked him twice if he was married. Both times he said no, and he guaranteed me he wasn't.

Maybe that's true. We'll find out when we go out. But think about it: before he said a single word, that ring had already put a question in my mind. That's what mixed signals do. They plant doubt before you even get a chance.

So if you're single, don't make people wonder. Small things speak loudly:

• A ring on your left ring finger, or a tan line where one used to be
• A tattoo of someone's name you haven't explained
• Profile photos with an ex cropped out (we can always tell)
• Saying “we” about plans you made with someone else

If there's a story, tell it before they have to ask. “This was my grandmother's ring, I wear it every day” takes five seconds and clears up everything. Clear beats mysterious every single time.

Introduce yourself like you mean it

A lot of people simply don't know how to engage each other anymore. Another man came up to me recently and said, “Oh, I want to take you out.” That was it. He didn't tell me his name. He gave me nothing. No hello, no reason, no plan.

So why did I give him my phone number? Two reasons. First, I wanted him to learn something, because he's going to have to change that approach if he wants to get anywhere with a woman. Second, if he wants to see me, he can come to one of my events and meet me on my timeline. I knew exactly what my intentions were, and I kept my power.

He did text me his name right away. He's younger, and he really had no clue how to engage a woman. Most people aren't bad, they just never learned.

Now, I don't know if my way is right for everyone. For many people, taking back your power simply means smiling and walking away. Both are fine. What matters is that you don't spend the next day thinking, “Why did he treat me like that, and why did I let him?” When someone approaches you with no good intentions, claim your energy back. You decide what happens next.

And if you're the one doing the approaching, here's the whole formula:

1. Say hello and your name. “Hi, I'm Dawn.”
2. Ask for theirs. “And you are?” Sometimes you have to prompt people, and that's okay.
3. Say why you came over. “I liked your laugh and wanted to say hi.” Compliment something they chose, like their style, their book or their energy. Leave their body out of it.
4. Ask an open question and actually listen to the answer.
5. If you want to see them again, make a clear plan. “I'd love to take you to coffee Saturday morning. Here's my number. Text me if that sounds good.”

That's it. Name, reason, question, plan. It's polite, it's forward, and it shows good intentions.

Ask better questions (skip “What do you do?”)

“So what do you do?” is the most common first-date question, and one of the least useful. It gets you a job title, not a person. Try this instead:

“How do you spend your days?”

Now they have to tell you about them: how they live, what they care about, what they do when nobody's paying them. They open up. Then you go a little deeper with a follow-up: “What do you love about that?” or “How did you get into that?”

A few more that work beautifully:

• “What's the best part of your week, usually?”
• “What's something you're looking forward to right now?”
• “What lights you up lately?”
• “How do you like to unwind after a long day?”

Follow-up questions are magic. Researchers from Harvard Business School studied more than 2,000 speed-dating conversations. People who asked more questions, especially follow-up questions, were liked more and got more second dates. The top third of question askers got the most yeses. Why? Because a follow-up question shows you're listening. Just remember to share about yourself too, so it feels like a conversation and not an interview.

This is also how you engage someone without being sexual. The Kinsey Institute's 2026 Singles in America study found that 49% of singles have fallen for someone they weren't attracted to at first, and great conversation was the most common reason the attraction grew. Your attention, your curiosity and your laugh are more attractive than any line.

If things are going well and you want to go deeper, psychologist Arthur Aron's famous “36 questions” study (1997) showed that strangers who took turns sharing more and more personal answers felt much closer after just 45 minutes. Closeness is built one honest answer at a time.

7 ways to ask the hardest questions without making them hard

Some questions feel scary, but you need the answers. The trick is to ask with warmth, share your own answer, and make it easy for them to be honest. Here are seven:

1. Are you married or seeing someone?
   Try: “I ask everyone this early so nobody's time gets wasted: are you single, and is there anyone who'd be surprised you're out with me tonight?” Or, if you notice something: “I see a ring. What's the story there?”
2. What are you looking for?
   Try: “What would make dating feel worth it for you this year?” Then share yours: “For me, it's finding someone to grow with.”
3. Do you want kids?
   Try: “Do you see kids in your life, now or someday? Family's a big part of my picture, so I like to know early.”
4. Where do you stand on faith?
   Try: “Does faith play a part in your life? It's important to me, and I love hearing how other people see it.”
5. Are you looking for something monogamous?
   Try: “I do best dating one person at a time once it gets serious. How do you like to date?”
6. Why did your last relationship end?
   Try: “What did your last relationship teach you about what you need?” You'll learn more from this than from the whole breakup story, and it keeps the focus on growth instead of blame.
7. How does cannabis fit into your life?
   Try: “How does cannabis fit into your week? For some people it's every night, for some it's special occasions.” On My420Love the big question is already answered, but how often, how much and where still matter. Our free 420 Compatibility Deep Dive can do the asking for you.

Notice the pattern: say why you're asking, keep your voice light, and share your own answer. That turns an interrogation into a conversation.

Dating later in life: ask about the next chapter

If you're dating in your 50s, 60s, 70s or beyond, the questions change, and honestly, they get better. You're not asking where someone sees their career in five years. You're asking what they want the rest of their life to feel like.

Kinsey Institute researcher Dr. Amanda Gesselman, talking about singles over 50 in the Singles in America study, said older singles “know what real love feels like, and they believe it's still out there.” I see that at my events all the time. Experience doesn't make people give up on love. It makes them clearer about it.

So ask the questions that matter now:

• “What does your life look like in retirement?” Or, if they're not there yet: “What do you picture for retirement?”
• “What are your goals now, at this stage of life?”
• “What do you want this next chapter to feel like?”
• “Who are the most important people in your life right now?” This is a gentle way to hear about kids, grandkids and close friends.
• “What's something you've always wanted to do and still plan to?”
• “How do you take care of yourself these days?” Health matters at every age, and this asks about it without prying.

And it's just as okay to say your intentions at 65 as it is at 25. Here are some ways to say them:

• “I'm looking for a companion to share this chapter with. Travel, good dinners, family holidays.”
• “I love my home and my independence. I'd love a partner to share life with, and we can figure out the rest together.”
• “My kids and grandkids are a big part of my life. I'm looking for someone who'd enjoy being part of that.”
• “I'm not in a rush to get married again, but I do want a real, committed partner.”

Later in life, bringing families together is a bigger deal than ever, with grown children, grandchildren and years of history on both sides. Talk about it early and kindly, and you'll know quickly whether your lives can grow together.

Two branches, one tree

Have you ever seen two trees that grew so close together that their branches fused into one? It's called inosculation, and people have long called these “husband and wife trees” or “marriage trees.” Over time, the branches rub together, the bark wears away, and they literally grow into each other. Two separate trees become one solid tree.

That's what a committed relationship is. You start as two different twigs, and together you become one strong tree. People forget that when they're in a monogamous relationship, they are one, not two.

But here's the part I love most: each of those trees still has its own roots. You don't disappear into your partner. Your self-love is your roots. The deeper they go, the stronger the tree you make together.

The 200% rule

Being one means showing up at 100%, all the time. And when one of you can't, the other steps up.

If my partner comes to me and says, “I'm only walking into this at 80% today,” I know I have to be at 120%, so together we still make 200% for us. Tomorrow it might be me at 70% and them carrying 130%. That's the deal. Nobody keeps score, because it's one tree.

Dr. John Gottman's research at the University of Washington shows why the small moments matter so much. He calls everyday reaches for attention “bids,” like “Look at this!” or a sigh after a long day. Couples who were still married six years later had turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time. Couples who divorced did it only 33% of the time. Stepping up to 120% often looks just like that: putting your phone down, turning toward them, and saying, “Tell me.”

Your out-of-the-gate checklist

Here's what you can start doing today, before your very next date:

• Write your three non-negotiables and keep them somewhere you'll see them.
• Keep one promise to yourself every day this week.
• Write your one-sentence intention. Something like: “I'm looking for someone to grow with.”
• Clear up mixed signals, in your photos, your profile and on your hands.
• Introduce yourself by name every time, and ask for theirs.
• Swap “What do you do?” for “How do you spend your days?” and ask at least one follow-up.
• Dating over 50? Ask “What does your life look like in retirement?” and “What are your goals now?”
• Pick the one hard question you need answered and practice your soft way to ask it.
• Trust your gut. After the date, ask yourself: how did I feel around this person?

Want to practice? Take the free Love Test to put words to what you're looking for. Or come practice your hello in a room full of friendly cannabis singles at 420 SpeedDating, where every date is 4 minutes and 20 seconds and everybody is there to meet someone. For more help, read first message ideas and dating safety tips.

Love yourself first. Say what you want. The right people will hear it.

Sources

• Harvard Gazette, “Good genes are nice, but joy is better” (2017), on the Harvard Study of Adult Development: news.harvard.edu
• Erol, R. Y. & Orth, U. (2016), “Self-esteem and the quality of romantic relationships,” European Psychologist: University of Bern
• Neff, K. & Beretvas, S. N. (2013), self-compassion in 104 couples, Self and Identity: University of Texas
• The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University and Match, 15th Singles in America study (2026): news.iu.edu
• The Kinsey Institute, “Gen X and Baby Boomers are looking for true romance” (2025): news.iu.edu
• Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017), “It Doesn't Hurt to Ask: Question-Asking Increases Liking,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology: Harvard Business School
• Hinge, “What Daters Need to Know About Cuffing Season 2025”: hinge.co
• The Gottman Institute, “Turn Toward Instead of Away”: gottman.com
• Aron, A. et al. (1997), “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4)
• Inosculation (“husband and wife trees”): Wikipedia